


Kiss With a Fist

by olgushka



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Fighting/Making Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Abuse, Safeword Use, Smut, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 21:36:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9290561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/pseuds/olgushka
Summary: The violence kink gets out of control.





	

**Author's Note:**

> PORN ALLERT! It's long. I got carried away.  
> Angst, smut, hurt/comfort and fluff in one fic. Enjoy.

„ _We’re Twenty One Pilots and so are you. Peace!_ ”

As soon as they leave the stage and get out of the crowd’s sight, Josh jogs after Tyler, grabs him by the shoulder, spins him around and slams him against the wall with more force than necessary.

„What the hell was that?” He asks.

„I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tyler says, avoiding his gaze.

„You know damn well what I’m talking about. Throwing people out from the front row? Are you actually serious?!” Josh raises his voice.

„They skipped the fucking line!”

„It doesn’t matter!”

„It does matter to me! It wasn’t fair! There were people who camped outside the venue for God knows how long and they still ended up at the back! I don’t want any rude jerks at the barricades!”

The shouting is now at full volume and the technicians keep giving them surprised looks. 

„The only rude jerk in this place right now is you. Just because we have problems doesn’t mean you can take your anger out on our fans!” Josh yells and slams Tyler even harder against the wall.

Tyler’s anger builds up inside him and he pushes Josh on the chest until the drummer’s back hits the opposite wall in the hallway.

„I can do whatever I want.” He hisses.

„Guys!” Someone shouts from the distance.

„I thought we agreed to keep our private lives far from the band!” Josh yells in his face. „I thought we agreed to keep home at home!”

„Guys, cut it out!”

„Listen, you lame excuse for a boyfriend. You-” Tyler starts to speak but gets cut off when Josh backhands him across the face.

There are loud shocked gasps and voices full of disbelief and they know that people are watching them but they can’t control themselves anymore. Tyler digs his nails in Josh’s shoulders and shoves him down to the floor. The drummer lands on his back and before he can get up, Tyler straddles his waist and punches him in the face. Josh immediately rolls them over until the singer is underneath him and does the same. Tyler’s nose starts to bleed.

„Fucking hell, guys!” Mark runs and tries to separate them but they move too fast, rolling on the cold floor and throwing punches at each other. He can’t grab any of them and when he gets too close someone’s fist collides with his cheek. He stumbles back and lands on his bum a few feet away from them. „Someone fucking help!” He shouts. „They’re going to kill each other!”

Brad and Michael are next to them in a second. They’re bigger and stronger than Mark, so Brad manages to easily push Tyler off Josh and Michael hooks his arms around the drummer’s chest and drags him back until there’s a safe distance between two furious band members.

„You fucking idiot!” Josh shouts, spitting bloody saliva on the floor.

„I hate you!” Tyler shouts back. „Piece of shit!”

„Stop it!” Brad yells.

„You can’t even throw a good punch!” Josh laughs and spits again.

„I will fucking show you a good punch!” Tyler tries to free himself and kicks his legs like a child but Brad’s arms on his waist successfully keep him in place.

„You have twenty seconds to calm down, otherwise I’m cancelling the rest of the tour and sending you both home!” Michael’s voice thunders above their heads.

„He started it!” Tyler’s voice cracks from all the shouting.

„I don’t care who started it! It has to end right fucking now, I’m not even kidding!” Michael adjusts his grip on Josh who tries to escape and then he looks in Mark’s direction. „Are you okay, man?”

„Yeah… I’m fine. They didn’t hit me that hard.” He says, massaging his pulsing cheek.

„Okay. Good.” Michael nods and looks from Josh to Tyler.

They calmed down enough to stop fidgeting and shouting. They breathe heavily and throw murderous glares at each other, still sweaty from the show. Tyler’s black paint is smeared everywhere and some of it stained Josh’s temple and his white shorts. Their faces are bloodied and Josh’s hair sticks out in every possible direction.

„Brad, take Tyler to their dressing room and make sure he doesn’t sneak out.” Michael instructs and for a moment watches as the photographer helps Tyler to get up and guides him down the hallway. „And you...” He says straight into Josh’s ear. „You’re going with me.” He cups his elbow and starts guiding him in the opposite side of the backstage. Before they disappear around the corner, he stops and turns to Mark. 

„Make sure that no one recorded it or took pictures. If they did, make them delete everything. Threaten them with whatever you want. Even death. What happened here, stays here.” 

Mark nods and goes after technicians. Michael keeps walking until he opens the door to the crew’s dressing room and pushes Josh down on the couch.

„Leave us alone, please.” He says to the two other crew members who stand near the window, talking. They send them weird looks but do as they’re told. The door closes behind them and silence fills the room. Michael reaches for a paper towel roll and throws it in Josh’s direction. Josh rips a few pieces and starts to clean his face. „What in the God’s name happened back there?” He asks, staring at the drummer.

„An argument.”

„Argument?” Michael rises his eyebrows. „It looked more like a fucking MMA fight.” 

„Whatever.” Josh says, licking his lips and tasting blood. „It was nothing you should be concerned about.” 

„Are you serious right now?”

„Completely.” The drummer nods. „Couples fight sometimes.”

„Yeah, sure. But they usually fight _verbally_ and talk it out. They don’t actually try to kill one another!”

„Michael...” Josh sighs. „Give me a break, yeah? I just played a two hour show. Can I at least drink some water?” He says and grabs a bottle from the table.

Gibson stands there staring at him.

„You’re playing another show tomorrow. Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You want to go out on the stage looking like this?”

„People won’t even notice. We can use masks. Stage make-up. Tyler’s black paint. We can dim the lights. There are many options, you know?” Josh shrugs.

„What about _meet and greets_?”

„You can cancel them.”

„Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE!” Michael shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. „Josh, what the hell has happened to you? Where’s your sweetness? Where’s your innocence?”

„Ask Tyler Joseph.”

„I’m asking YOU. You both have been acting like assholes for the past few months.”

„Well, we can’t act like sweet twelve year-old boys until the rest of our lives, can we?”

„This is a nightmare.” Michael says and rubs his face. „This is a fucking nightmare.”

There’s a sound of a loud knocking and Mark stucks his head through the door. Gibson nods and lets him enter the room.

„No one has any footage.” He says.

„Good. Can I have one more favor to ask?”

„Sure.”

„We need separate hotel rooms for those two tonight. Can you ask around if anyone from the single rooms is willing to switch to a double?”

„Of course.” Mark nods and turns to leave.

„Mark.” Michael says and Eshleman stops. „After that, you can rest. I’ll take care of everything. And get some ice for your cheek.”

„Thanks.” Mark smiles and closes the door behind him.

 

Michael tries to keep them away from each other as long as he can. He stays close to Josh while Brad follows Tyler’s every move. They let them rest for a few minutes and wash up, then they lead them to the tour bus for a short ride to the hotel. The singer stays in the lounge while Josh disappears in his bunk. 

They get two single rooms on two different floors, yet Tyler perfectly knows where to find Josh after eavesdropping a quiet conversation between Michael and Mark. He waits until everyone settle in their rooms and after two hours, when he stucks his head through the door, the hallway is finally empty. He sneaks out, barefoot, and makes his way to the higher floors. He takes the stairs, not bothering with waiting for the elevator. He finds Josh’s room and knocks. 

The drummer opens the door and seems to be taken aback by Tyler’s presence but as soon as the corners of the singer’s lips twitch in a small smile, his face relaxes. 

„Hey.”

„Hey.” Josh replies.

„How’s your face?”

„Hurts. Yours?”

„Same.” Tyler says and shrugs like it’s not a big deal. „Can I come in?”

„Sure.” Josh steps back, letting him in.

As soon as the door closes behind them, Tyler grabs a fistful of Josh’s t-shirt and slams him against the hard wood. He kisses him roughly and lets his hand wander under the drummer’s clothes, up until his fingers reach the nipple. Josh bucks his hips and moans into the kiss. Tyler bites his bottom lip and moves down to suck at his neck, causing Josh to tilt his head up and give him better access. Tyler doesn’t care about being gentle. He sucks on the skin and bites it a few times, scratching his nails down Josh’s chest at the same time. 

Josh’s hands slide down Tyler’s sides, he hooks his fingers around the singer’s belt loops and pushes him forward. Tyler takes a few steps back until his legs hit the bed frame and lets himself fall, dragging the drummer down with him. Josh doesn’t plan on wasting time so he unbuttons Tyler’s pants and slides his hand into his boyfriend’s boxers. He teases him for a long moment, tracing his fingers against the sensitive skin, not really jerking him off. Tyler groans in frustration and pushes Josh’s chest until their bodies separate enough to let the drummer change the position and straddle his lap. Tyler tugs at the hem of his t-shirt. 

„Off.” He says and watches as Josh puls his t-shirt over his head, exposing a perfectly smooth chest where red marks from Tyler’s nails have already started to show.

Josh leans down to kiss Tyler again and presses their crotches together. They grind against each other and Tyler curses under his breath.

They switch positions, losing their clothes in the process and throwing them on the floor. Their kisses don’t stop being rough and their bodies don’t slow down for a second. It’s chaotic and messy, just as they like. Tyler traces his tongue all the way from Josh’s belly button to his nipples. He sucks on each of them for a while and looks Josh in the eyes.

„Gonna fuck you.” He says in a raspy voice.

He gives him one last kiss on the lips and flips him over on his stomach. He plants kisses on Josh’s shoulder blades and down his spine until he reaches his ass. He uses teeth again, bites the skin until Josh groans into the pillow. He separates his buttcheeks and pushes his tongue against Josh’s hole.

Josh pushes back, trying to intensify the feeling but Tyler pins him down to the bed, keeping him in place. He spanks him once, hard.

„Be patient.”

„Stop fucking teasing.”

„I will tease you as long as I want.”

Josh starts to desparately rub his croatch against the sheets but Tyler stops him again.

„I said: be patient.” He growls in his ear and pulls sharply at his hair.

He kisses the nape of Josh’s neck and licks his finger. He pushes it inside, adding another one right after. Josh moans, breathing heavily. Tyler doesn’t bother with opening him properly. He quickly moves his fingers and scissors them a few times but then pulls out and reaches his hand forward, right under Josh’s jaw.

„Spit.” He says. When Josh does, Tyler smears the saliva on his cock. „On all fours.”

Josh positiones himself and Tyler pushes in without a single word of warning. Josh’s voice gets stuck in his throat, he opens his mouth and closes his eyes, tilting his head back. Tyler pulls his hair again, kisses him and starts to move.

„Fuck, baby, so good. So good.” He breathes out. „You’re so hot.” He kisses Josh’s lower back. „Don’t touch yourself. I’ll suck you off when I’m finished.”

Josh nods furiously and arches his back when Tyler pushes deeper and speeds up the tempo. It doesn’t take long before he comes inside the drummer, too worked up and aroused to last longer. He rests his forehead against Josh’s sweaty back and breathes deeply for a few seconds. 

He pulls off and flips Josh over onto his back. Without hesitation he takes him in his mouth and almost immediately deepthroats him, causing Josh to moan loudly and bite his bottom lip.

„Tyler… Jesus Christ!” He grits through his teeth.

Tyler repeats the action until Josh shoots right into his mouth. He licks him clean until the last drop but doesn’t swallow. He smirks, pushes himself up and Josh already knows what’s gonna happen so he opens his mouth and lets Tyler’s tongue meet his. They kiss and Josh can taste his own seed.

When the emotions drop low and their breathing steadies, Tyler looks down at him. He touches Josh’s cheek and strokes the bruised area under his left eye. He leaves butterfly kisses all over the drummer’s face and then kisses him on the lips again.

„I love you.” He says.

„I love you too.” Josh replies.

„I should probably go. If Michael finds me here, he will kill me.”

Josh hums in agreement. Tyler gets off the bed and slowly puts his clothes on. He moves towards the door, glances at Josh one last time and leaves.

 

At eleven in the morning, everyone’s ready to go. They group up in the hotel lobby and wait for the late ones, including Tyler. When he finally shows up downstairs, he says hello to the crew, goes straight to Josh and puts his arm around his waist.

„Hey, baby.” He says and kisses the drummer.

„Hey.” Josh smiles at him when they pull away.

„Slept well?” 

The drummer nods, kisses Tyler’s temple and catches the sight of Michael and Mark who stand on the other side of the lobby, looking at them with a shocked expression on their faces. 

The whole crew make their way out of the hotel to the parking lot. Tyler doesn’t leave Josh’s side even for a second and Josh keeps his hand in the back pocket of Tyler’s pants all the way to the tour bus. Gibson walks right behind them and tries to figure out what’s happening. He looks at Brad but Heaton only shrugs, others send him confused looks and he knows that they have no idea what’s going on either.

 

The tour continues. Everything seems fine but Michael gets suspicious and watches their every move. They play shows, they do the soundchecks, they talk, they sleep in each other’s bunks and share hotel rooms again. They snap at each other sometimes but as soon as they notice that people are watching them, they turn everything into a joke and send each other fake smiles. 

Even if they don’t fight in public, everyone sees that there’s something wrong with their relationship. They get angry without a reason, they’re rude to technicians, they refuse to take photos with fans. They seem to be constantly tense and on the edge. There are bruises and scratches on their bodies but everyone knows that they’re both accident prone and no one dares to think that there might be any other reason. No one dares to think that there may be something more going on behind the closed doors.

When Michael notices a big bruise on Tyler’s ribs one night when he changes after the show and confronts him about it, Tyler blames it on the fall he took on the stage a night ago. He asks about the cut under John’s eye but the drummer says he hit himself in the face with his drumstick. Michael doesn’t believe any of them.

 

„I don’t get it.” Mark sighs, sinking down onto the tour bus couch right next to Michael. „They wanted to kill each other a couple of weeks ago and now they’re snoring in Tyler’s bunk like nothing ever happen.” He shoves a fistful of Doritos into his mouth. „There’s something weird in the air, though. I can feel it.” He chews loudly.

Mark isn’t wrong with his predictions. Only two days later, they give a free fight-show again.

 

Mark bolts through the door to the men’s bathroom where Michael finishes washing his hands.

„Code red, code red!” He breathes out.

They run through the hallways all the way to the stage. As they get closer, the sound of yelling reaches their ears. People hide behind the speakers and watch the scene with terrified faces.

„They’ve been shouting at each other for the last five minutes.” Some young tech girl says when she sees Gibson. „It’s getting worse.”

„Are you even listening to me?!” Tyler screams and throws a full water bottle in Josh’s direction. It hits one of the cymbals with a loud crash. „You never fucking listen to me!”

Michael gets on the stage at the same moment when Josh drops his drumsticks to the ground, gets up from behind his drums and makes his way in Tyler’s direction who stands near the microphone stand and clenches the neck of his bass.

„Josh, one more step and there’s no show tonight!” Michael roars.

„Fuck off!” Josh says loudly and steps forward.

„You useless motherfucking asshole.” Tyler says, not moving from his spot. „Come on.”

Their almost nose to nose and Josh swings his arm to throw the first punch but someone behind him grabs his right hand and twists it, causing him to moan in pain and double over. They drag him backwards, trying to lead Josh off the stage.

„Let me go!” He cries out and tries to free himself but Michael’s grip on his arm is solid and every move Josh tries to make twists his arm even more and sends him into another wave of pain. „Ow, ow! Damn! It hurts!”

„Michael, stop!” Tyler shouts and runs after them, taking his bass off in the process and throwing in on the floor. He rips Michael’s hands off Josh’s body and pushes him away. The drummer drops to his knees, breathing heavily and massaging his shoulder. „Are you okay?” Tyler kneels in front of him and puts his hand on Josh’s cheek. Josh nods and the singer throws his arms around Josh’s neck. The drummer hugs him back, resting his forehead on Tyler’s shoulder.

„What the actual fuck...” They hear Mark’s confused voice behind their backs.

„Yeah, I could ask the same thing. What the fuck.” Tyler turns in their direction. „You almost sprained his fucking shoulder, what were you thinking?!”

„Tyler, he was about to attack you.” Michael says, too shocked to even raise his voice.

„Stop interfering in our relationship!” The singer hisses. „What’s going on between us is not your fucking business.”

„Well, _it is_ my business. Because your so-called relationship is slowly tearing this band and the crew apart! Can’t you see it?!”

„I don’t have time to listen to your ridiculous theories.”

„So it’s not true when I say that you both act like complete jerks? It’s not true when I say that you fight whenever you can? It’s not true when I say that you’re rude to your fans and that the crew people don’t want to get anywhere near you anymore because they’re afraid of being punched in the face? It’s not true when I say that you’ve become violent and that you argue all the time?” Michael asks.

Josh stands up and leaves without saying a word.

„Josh!” Tyler shouts after him but the drummer doesn’t stop. „Are you proud of yourself?” He snaps.

„Someone has to make you open your fucking eyes, Tyler. Maybe Josh is the first one on the way to realize that something is fucking wrong!”

„Go to hell, Michael.” Tyler says, turns on his heel and goes after Josh, shoving Mark out of his way.

He finds Josh in their dressing room, standing in front of the mirror. He meets Tyler’s eyes in the reflection but doesn’t say anything. Tyler closes the door and turns the lock, blocking the outside world. He comes closer and wraps his arms around Josh’s body from behind and kisses his right shoulder.

„Way too tense.” He murmurs and kisses the side of his neck.

„What if Michael is right?”

Tyler freezes for a moment but then continues sinking his teeth in the flesh of Josh’s throat.

„He’s not.”

„But what if he is?” Josh insists and yelps when Tyler suddenly spins him around.

„He’s not.” He says again. „He’s jealous. Of what we have. We’re good. This is good. This is _perfect_. Everything’s gonna be fine, do you understand?” He asks and Josh nods, keeping his eyes on the floor. Tyler slaps him in the face. „Look at me when I’m talking to you.” 

Josh’s looks up and his eyes flash with a familiar lust and he crashes his mouth against Tyler’s. They kiss hungrily, letting their tongues dance together. Tyler licks Josh’s face, all the way from his chin to his ear and sucks on his earlobe.

„Wanted it to be you.” Josh says. „Wanted it to be you to grab me like that.”

„That’s doable.” Tyler takes him by surprise, quickly grabbing his arm and twisting it like Michael did before, making Josh spin around again and bend over the make-up table. „Is this what you wanted?”

„Yes.”

„Yes, what?”

„Yes, sir.”

„How does it feel when I’m the one holding you like this?”

„Good, sir.” Josh breathes out. „More, sir. _Please_.”

„As much as I would love to take it further, you need to be able to play drums tonight.” Tyler says. „We can do something else. Something really _quick_.”

There’s a sharp knock on the door and someone tries to twist the doorknob.

„Or not.” He sighs, releases Josh and goes to open the door. „It was just getting better.” He mumbles. „WHAT?” He says loudly in an irritated tone before he even fully opens the door.

There’s a chubby overenergetic blonde girl standing in the hallway.

„Uhm. Hi!” She says. „I’m Becky. Our interview was scheduled for two p.m., I believe?”

„Oh. Of course. Yes. Hi.” He smiles but there’s a vision in his head of slamming the door in her face and ripping Josh’s clothes off his body. „Come in.”

He leaves most of the talking to Josh and answers only questions aimed directly at him. He listens to the drummer rambling about their last album, sold out shows and their fans. He rolls his eyes when she asks about how did they meet but laughs a little when Josh comes up with another great story. She asks about their public relationship and Tyler beams with pride when Josh handles it pretty well and gives a short but smooth and satisfying answer. 

„Oh, Josh. Where did that bruise come from?” She asks suddenly and Tyler freezes. He turns his head to the side and sees that Josh’s t-shirt sleeve rolled up a bit, exposing his injured shoulder.

Josh glances at his arm and then looks at Tyler.

„This?” Josh laughs, giving his full attention to the interviewer again. _We were out clubbing and my boyfriend decided to fuck me behind a dumpster in the dark alley but he pinned me too hard against the wall and I scratched my shoulder against the sharp edge of some old rusty pipe_. „I was skating the other day. I got distracted, hit the curb, lost my balance and fell. Don’t tell anyone. It’s embarrasing!”

Becky continues with her questions. Tyler exhales.

 

One week later before a show, they’re doing an interview again. This time it’s a bit different to what they usually do: the interviewer wants them to answer the questions separately, without the other band member being in the room. 

Tyler agrees to go first and he disappears behind the door while Josh stays in the hallway and busy himself with playing games on his phone. Suddenly, someone stops in front of him. Josh looks up.

„Josh, can we speak… in private?” Michael asks.

„Can’t we talk here?”

„No. I would rather avoid any form of eavesdropping.” 

„Okay.” Josh sighs but gets up from the floor and follows Michael to the bathroom. „What’s up?” He asks and frowns when Gibson knocks on the door to every stall to check if they’re empty.

„Look.” He says when he stands close to Josh again. „I’m not doing this to make you angry or upset, okay? I just want to talk. Like friends. We’re friends, right?”

„Yeah…?”

„Good. Josh, the bruise on your jaw. Where did it come from?”

Josh instinctively touches his face.

„An accident.”

„What kind of accident?”

„I walked into a doorframe.” The drummer says.

„Was the doorframe’s name Tyler Joseph?”

„W-what?”

„Did you two have a fight again?”

„No.”

Michael exhales and leans against the cold wall.

„Josh. Did Tyler do that to you?”

„No.” Josh replies quickly. „What the hell are you implying?”

„You’ve got new scratches on your body. You wear at least one new bruise every few days. Tyler has them too but they’re almost unnoticeable. But you? Dude, you look like you get hit by a truck on a weekly basis.” Michael says, pointing his index finger at Josh. „I’ll ask again. Did Tyler give you the bruise?”

„No.” Josh drops his gaze to the floor.

„Josh. Will you tell me what’s going on between the two of you?”

„There’s nothing going on. Everything is good. It’s fine.”

„Is it, really? You haven’t posted any selfies in months. You hide behind bandanas and masks and people start to get suspicious. Have you even seen what’s going on on social media?”

„N-no?” Josh looks up again.

„Twitter is blowing up. Tumblr is full of theories of how you are the victim of domestic violence.” Michael hisses. Josh’s breath gets stuck in his throat. „There are posts with pictures of your injuries and theories for every single bruise. People don’t buy your bullshit anymore. _I walked into a doorframe. I fell down while skateboarding. I hit myself with a drumstick. I fell on stage_. Blah, blah blah. The Clique is too clever to believe any of this.” He sighs. „I’m asking one more time: what the hell is going on between you two?”

Uncomfortable silence fills the room and Josh chews on his bottom lip, looking everywhere but not at Michael.

„It’s… It’s complicated.” He stutters.

„Explain anyway.”

„Tyler wouldn’t want me to talk about it.”

„Tyler’s not here right now and this conversation will stay between us. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

Josh nods and chews on his lip again.

„It’s a kink.” He blushes.

„A kink?” Michael repeats with a serious face.

„Yes. We get off on beating ourselves up.” Josh says. „It’s like a foreplay? We try to piss each other off. Make each other as angry as possible. So the sex is… better.” He blushes even more. „Usually, I’m the one to start everything. I wait until he’s angry enough to hit me back. I’m the submissive one. Not always but… I like it. I take everything he’s willing to give.”

Gibson stares at him for a long moment, processing the words. 

„But you fight all the time! ALL THE TIME! Everywhere! If it’s a kink, shouldn’t it stay in the four walls of your bedroom?”

„I don’t know.” Josh shrugs. „Wherever, whenever... it feels right.”

„God.” Michael shakes his head. „Do you ever have normal sex?”

„No.”

„What- Josh.” Michael looks at him. „Has Tyler...” He hesitates but decides to continue. „...ever. Has he EVER hit you or punched you without it leading to sex later?”

„Yeah?”

„Oh my God.” Michael exhales. „Last night. In the pub. You had a fight. I saw him backhands you across the face in the bathroom. Did you have sex after that?”

„No.”

„Oh. My. God.”

„What… NO! It’s not like that! Sometimes we fight for days before we have sex!”

„Don’t.” Michael pinches the bridge of his nose. „Just don’t.”

„He loves me. He wouldn’t-”

„It’s not a kink. It’s physical abuse.”

„It’s not!” Josh raises his voice.

„Josh, think!” Michael shouts. „Use your brain and think for a second!”

„What I think is that you’re an asshole who is trying to ruin our relationship!” Josh shouts back. „He loves me. I love him. So stay away from this. What is between us is none of your fucking business!”

Josh opens the door and storms off. Michael follows him and opens his mouth to speak again but then Tyler walks out of the room and spots Josh.

„Hey, it’s your tu-”

Josh catches him by the waist, pulls him closer and crashes their mouth together. After a long few seconds, Tyler pulls back first and takes a deep gulp of air. He looks at Josh who stares back at him with a weird expression on his face. There’s love but there’s also confusion, worry and… doubt.

„Josh?” Tyler frowns.

Josh smiles briefly and disappears behind the door. Michael stops next to Tyler who looks up at him.

„What have you done?” He asks.

„I could ask the same, Tyler. What the hell have you done.” Michael shakes his head, sends the singer a murderous glare and walks away, leaving the confused singer in the middle of the hallway.

 

That night, Josh can’t sleep. He watches Tyler who walks around the room talking on the phone, he watches him when he picks up a few things and disappears in the bathroom, he watches him when he walks out with a towel around his hips, he watches him until he gets dressed in his pyjama bottoms and slides under the covers next to the drummer. He leans in and kisses Josh.

„Love you.” Josh says quietly when Tyler pulls off.

„Love you too.” Tyler smiles. „Goodnight.”

„Goodnight.”

He makes sure that Tyler sleeps soundly next to him and he finally takes out his phone. He scrolls through his Twitter mentions and Tumblr dashboard and his breathing quickens with every single post he reads. He opens a random video on YouTube, clicking on one of their recent interviews. He mutes the sound and scrolls down straight to the comment section.

_they’re acting weird_

_Remember how cute their relationship was at the beginning? Literally the purest thing ever._

_their coming out was the best thing that happened to me._

_Have you guys seen that bruise on Josh’s arm?_

_Why does Tyler has scratches on his face?????_

_Oh my GOD, I saw Josh in the record store the other day I was too scared to say hi but I sweAR HE HAD A BLACK EYE_

_my sister’s friend saw them in the night club the other day, she said they were arguing._

_tHERE’S SOMETHING WRONG_

_is it just me or they’re not themselves??_

_I think Tyler’s dominance took over their relationship._

Josh’s heart stops when he reads the last comment.

_guys. i’m a psychologist and a therapist. there are visible proofs that tyler is abusing josh._

He shuts off his phone and crawls out of the bed. He locks himself in the bathroom and slides down to the floor pulling his legs close to his chest. He rests his forehead against his knees and cries silently. 

He doesn’t know how much time has passed but then there’s a gentle knock on the door and Josh puts his hand against his mouth to muffle his sobbing.

„Josh? Are you okay?”

Josh takes a deep breath and tries to sound composed but he fails when the _yes_ he tries to say comes out as a big whimper.

„Baby? Open the door? Please?” Tyler says. When Josh doesn’t make any attempts to move, the knocking repeats and it sounds like Tyler is hitting the door with his open hand. „Josh? You’re scaring me. Open the door. Open the goddamned door, Joshua!”

Josh doesn’t want to face Tyler but his arm eventually reaches for the lock. The door flies open and a furiously looking Tyler marches inside but once he sees Josh, his face immediately softens. He drops to his knees in front of the drummer and embraces him. Josh melts into the touch.

„What’s wrong, baby? Speak to me.”

„Nothing.”

„Did you have a panic attack? You don’t have to pretend, Josh. You know it’s okay.”

„I did, yeah.” Josh lies because it’s not a good moment to say: _no, I’m freaking out because apparently you’re my abuser and I don’t know what to think about it_. „But it’s better now.” 

„Do you want to go back to bed with me?”

Josh nods. Tyler leads them out of the bathroom and they settle under the covers. Josh shifts closer and lies down with his head on Tyler’s chest. The singer strokes his hair.

„Tell me you love me?” Josh blurts out.

„I love you.”

„Do you, really?”

„Of course I do. You know that.”

„And you would never hurt me?”

„Never.”

Josh nods.

„Okay.” He whispers.

„What is this all about?” Tyler frowns.

„Nothing. I just wanted to be sure.”

„I love you. Too much for words to describe it.” The singer kisses his forehead. „What got you so worked up that you ended up having a panic attack?”

„Just… Everything.” Josh shrugs. „The tour. The pressure. I’ve let myself overthink. Shouldn’t have done that. Tyler?”

„Mmm?”

„I love you too.”

Tyler smiles and pulls him even closer.

 

„What the fuck, Josh?!” Tyler shouts as soon as the door to their hotel room slams shut behind them. It’s two weeks later and they’re in another city, taking a one day break. „You flirted with that guy right in front of my fucking eyes!”

„I didn’t flirt with him, Tyler. It was a conversation. It’s called being nice. You should try it sometimes.”

„You. Fucking. Flirted. With. Him.”

„Yeah. Whatever you say.” Josh sighs and turns around, taking his shirt off and getting ready to bed. 

Tyler invides his personal space, slaps him in the face, pulls on his hair and calls him a whore. He pushes him on the bed where he lands on his back and straddles his waist. He slaps him again, this time on the other cheek. And for the first time ever, Josh doesn’t feel aroused when Tyler does that. The lust is gone, the need for the roughness forgotten. For the first time, instead of moaning in pleasure, he takes a shaky breath and feels tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

„S-stop.” He says in a raspy voice when Tyler starts to leave bitemarks on his collarbone and grinds his hips against Josh’s. „Stop, stop, stop. _Ohio_! Stop!”

Tyler almost doesn’t react because in months of their relationship none of them has ever safeworded. But finally he stops and looks at the drummer, completely dumbstruck.

„What?”

„Ohio. Ohio. Fucking _OHIO_ , shit!” He yells and pushes confused Tyler off his body. He rolls off the bed, crosses the room and picks up his t-shirt from the chair. He quickly puts it on.

„Are you serious right now?” Tyler swings his legs off the mattress.

„Do I look like I’m fucking joking?” He hisses.

„What’s wrong?”

„Everything! Michael was right, this is not us!”

„What do you mean?” 

„This.” Josh motions between them. „This… anger. This roughness, this whole attitude.” 

„So… What? You want love-making instead of fucking?” The singer snaps.

„It’s not only about sex, Tyler!” Josh yells. „I want the real you! The real us! I want it back. I want us from the time before we got together. I don’t know why it changed and how the fuck did we end up being like this but I don’t want it anymore.”

Tyler stares at him.

„Are you breaking up with me?”

„Tyler, you’ve changed. And I’ve changed. Everyone has noticed, everyone but us! I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want lazy cuddles in the bunk that don’t lead to anything sexual, I want long walks hand in hand, I want dates at Taco Bell and I want our pointless conversations, I want to laugh with you until we can’t breathe and I want to be close to our crew again because right now, everyone fucking hates us!” Josh sighs. „And I want to stop cursing. The real Josh Dun doesn’t curse.” He rubs his hands over his face. „I don’t know. I don’t know, Tyler. It’s stopped being fun. It’s stopped feeling right. I’m sorry. I just… I can’t do this anymore. I hate what we’ve become. I’m sorry.”

„Josh-”

„It’s over, Tyler. I’m done.”

„You don’t mean this.” Tyler stands up, grabs him by the shoulders and slams him against the wall. „You don’t fucking mean this.”

„See?” Josh winces and swallows nervously. „This is what I’m talking about. This is getting out of control. It started as a violence kink in bed but turned into a lifestyle. We can’t last a day without insulting, shoving and hurting each other. We’ve taken it too far.” He places his hands on Tyler’s wrists. „Please, let go. I’m not joking. I didn’t use the safeword without a reason.” He says but Tyler still grips his shoulders, squeezing them even harder. „Ow! You’re _hurting_ me and I _don’t_ like this. Tyler. It hurts. Let go.” Josh looks him in the eyes. „Ohio. Please. _Ohio_.” He says one last time.

Tyler releases Josh’s shoulders and takes a step back. Suddenly, he looks terrified.

„Josh...”

„We’re done.”

„No, Josh-”

„It’s over.”

„Wait-”

Josh pushes past Tyler, picks up his phone and a hoodie, reaches for the door and disappears in the hallway. He keeps his head low, focusing on his moving feet until he bumps into someone. 

„Sorry. I’m sorry.” He says quickly.

„You’re sorry? Is this for real?”

Josh looks up.

„Michael.” Josh’s breathing quickens. „Michael.”

„Yeah? Something’s wrong?” 

„Can you book us two separate rooms from now on? I mean, for me and Tyler. Could you make sure we have two different hotel rooms and dressing rooms in the venues? Like, starting tomorrow? I really need to have my own dressing room tomorrow. Please?”

„Josh. What’s going on?” Michael asks, alerted.

„Nothing. Nothing.” Josh shakes his head. „I just need… space.”

„What has Tyler done?”

„No, it’s not like that. It’s- We broke up.” The drummer says. „I need- I need time. You were right. I couldn’t… anymore. I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I need to go. I- I need to… think.” He stutters.

„Where are you going?!” Michael shouts after him, when Josh moves quickly towards the staircase.

„Tour bus. I will sleep there tonight.”

„But-” Michael starts to speak but Josh disappears around the corner.

He stands in the middle of the hallway for a long moment before heading straight to Josh and Tyler’s hotel room. He knocks and pushes the door open without waiting for the answer. He finds Tyler sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.

He opens his mouth to yell but something in Tyler’s body language makes him decide otherwise. He comes closer without a word, sits next to the singer and bumps their shoulders together in a friendly manner. Tyler doesn’t react at first but then he lets out a big sob, leans to the side and rests his head on Michael’s shoulder. 

„Hey there.” Michael says. „How is it going?”

„I just got dumped.”

„Hmm. How does it feel?”

„Like someone plunged a fucking dagger straight through my fucking heart.” Tyler sniffs and wipes his cheek.

„Oh. So you’re still capable of showing normal human emotions after all?”

Tyler looks up with an anger painted on his face.

„Of course I am, what the fuck are you-” Tyler stops in the middle of the sentence, groans and squeezes his eyes shut. „Jesus...”

„Did you just have an epiphany?” Michael asks. Tyler drops his head back on Michael’s shoulder and scowls like a wounded wolf. „Do you even know what you’ve done wrong?”

Tyler nods.

„And you’re aware of the fact that you should get arrested for physically abusing your bandmate?”

„W-what? It’s not an abuse, it’s...”

„A kink?” Michael snaps. „Yeah. Josh told me, don’t look so surprised.”

„He gave consent! You still don’t fucking get it!”

„I get it, believe me, I do.” Michael says. „But you took it too far. And I think Josh finally realized it.”

„Are you satisfied?” Tyler mumbles. „This is exactly what you wanted.”

„I only wanted our precious small beans back. We miss the _real_ you, you know. Both of you.”

„Do you hate me?”

„No.” Michael shakes his head. „I may be a little irritated and disappointed but I could never hate you. But if you raise your hand at Josh again, I’m calling the police, Tyler. I’ve had enough of watching… whatever it was. Just because Josh says he’s not a victim, doesn’t mean he isn’t a victim. Because _he is_. He just loves you too much to realize the seriousness of the situation.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes but suddenly Tyler stands up and his face lits up like he just found the cure for every disease in the world. 

„Where’s Josh? I need to talk to him.”

„You need to sleep. And you both need a break from each other. You really do.”

„No, you don’t understand-”

„Tyler. Josh doesn’t want to see you. He asked me to keep you both separated.”

„What...” Tyler’s jaw drops open. „You’re lying.”

„I’m not.” He says. „I don’t want you anywhere close to him, do you understand? You won’t share hotel rooms or dressing rooms until the end of the tour. Josh wants space. So give him space. He broke up with you for a reason, yeah? Give him time. You both need to calm down and think about everything that happened between you two. And then, when you’re ready, you will talk and figure it out.”

 

 _Where are you?_ Tyler types but deletes it right after. The room is dark, illuminated only by the bright screen of his phone. It’s three in the morning and he can’t sleep. The right side of the bed is painfully cold and empty. _Are you coming back?_ He types again but it still doesn’t feel right. _I just want to know if it’s true that you don’t want to have anything do to with me anymore_. He doesn’t send it either.

He lies awake until six in the morning and turns his alarm clock off when it starts to ring loudly right next to his ear. He gets up, takes a quick shower, packs his bag and even if it’s not seven o’clock yet, he leaves the room and goes to the tour bus where the crew is supposed to meet for a ride to another venue.

He crosses the lounge and heads straight to the bunk area. When he opens the door, he’s met face to face with Josh who wears his gray sweatpants and an old t-shirt and looks like he just woke up.

„Have you slept here?” Tyler frowns.

Josh nods but doesn’t look at Tyler. He’s busy with collecting his things into a bag and the singer realizes that Josh is packing every single thing he used to keep in Tyler’s bunk. 

„Are we really done?” He asks quietly. Josh nods again. „Michael said you want separated rooms.”

„Yes.”

„Why? Josh, I’m sorry, can we talk?”

For the first time this morning, Josh looks at him. 

„I don’t want to talk to you. Not now. Not in the nearest future. I need time, Tyler. I need to come to terms with everything that happened. I need to _think_.” He says. „Please, give me some space. We will do soundchecks together and play shows together and ride this damn tour bus together but besides that, I don’t want to be anywhere near you because right now your presence _suffocates_ me. This whole _situation_ suffocates me. _I. Need. To. Breathe._ ”

He pushes past Tyler and disappears in the lounge. It’s not long before others start to show up. 

 

Three weeks and twelve shows later, they’re done with the tour. And Tyler knows that the _fun_ part of the break up is only about to begin because they’re going back _home_. They’re going back to _their shared apartment_ and they still haven’t talked like grown ups and they still haven’t figured anything out because Josh did a good job avoiding him during the past three weeks and if he had something to tell Tyler, it was only during soundchecks to consult the _band things_. 

But Tyler has a lot of time to think. And he’s not happy with the results of his analysis.

 

At the airport, they collect their bags separately and take two different cabs. When Josh gets to their flat, the door is already unlocked. He walks inside and dumps his bags in the middle of the hallway next to Tyler’s. 

He goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and sighs. The flat is quiet and for a moment Josh thinks that Tyler went out but then he pushes the bedroom door open and finds him sitting on a window sill, looking outside. He comes closer and sits in the empty spot on the opposite side, copying Tyler and pushing his legs against his chest.

„Our fridge is empty.” He says casually. „We need to get some groceries if we don’t want to starve to death.”

Something in Tyler’s face changes and he slowly moves his eyes from the window to Josh.

„I mean, we can get a takeaway for lunch.” Josh continues. „But I would love to eat something homemade for dinner.” 

„What?” Tyler whispers.

„Food, Tyler. Eating. Eating is actually important.” He says. „You’re allowed to live on Red Bull and Taco Bell on tour but we agreed that being home means eating _normal_ and _healthy_ things.”

„What?” Tyler whispers again.

„We’re home, Tyler. We have rules here.”

„But… But-” Tyler starts and Josh questioningly raises his eyebrows. „You’re not moving out?”

„Huh?”

„Because we broke up? I thought you would want to leave.”

„Do you want me to leave?”

Tyler seems to be surprised by this question but he slowly shakes his head. Josh rests his chin on his bended knees and looks at Tyler.

„Do you remember what we promised ourselves when we got together as a couple?” He asks. „That if it doesn’t work out, we will always, _always_ , no matter what, put our friendship first.” He pauses to let Tyler process his words. „This is what I’m doing now. I’m going back to where we started. I’m putting our friendship on the top of the list. Because there’s no way in hell that I’m losing my best friend to a failed relationship.”

Tyler blinks.

„But if it feels too uncomfortable, I will leave.” Josh adds.

„No.” The singer says quickly. „No. I want you to stay.”

„Okay.”

„I fucked up so bad.” Tyler’s voice cracks when he speaks again and the first tear falls from his eye. „It’s all my fault. All my fault.”

„Don’t you dare to take the whole blame on yourself. There’s as much my fault in this as yours.”

„But I was the one who started it. I was the one who tried to build this relationship on anger and rough sex and fucked up kinks. I was the one who took it too far. I was the one who lost control. I was the one who tried to become someone I’m not and I was the one who talked you into everything.”

„And I let you. I had so many opportunities to say no, to stop you. To tell you that it’s not what I wanted. But I didn’t.” Josh says. „Because I liked it. I liked the violence. It was something different, something new, something exciting. I loved being submissive, I loved when you were the one to take the charge, I loved being beaten up and I got off of being called the worst names. I loved being someone else. I loved the fact that we finally dropped the image of two humble boys.” Josh takes a breath. „But it became overwhelming. We took it too far when we started to take out our anger on each other in front of everyone. When we pulled the intimate part of our relationship above the surface for everyone to see and when we let the violence become a part of our daily life. It wasn’t private anymore. It wasn’t the bedroom thing anymore. _We_ were physically abusing _each other_.” 

„ _I_ was physically abusing _you_.”

„No, Tyler.” Josh sighs. „It was a mutual thing. And I’m glad that Michael stepped in and tried to ground us. He still doesn’t understand many things but if it wasn’t for him, one of us would probably end up dead by now. It got too much, I realized what we were doing and my anxiety took over again. I had to end it, Tyler. I had to cut off the toxic part of us. For yours and mine sake. I ended the _relationship_ but I didn’t end the _friendship_. You’re still my best friend in the whole world and you’re so, _so_ important to me… I don’t want to lose that.”

Tyler looks him in the eyes and breaks down. He cries without trying to stop himself.

Josh swings his legs off the window sill and stands on the floor right in front of Tyler. Before he can formulate another sentence, Tyler throws his arms around Josh’s neck and hides his face in the pink locks. The drummer embraces him and rubs his back.

„I’m sorry.” Tyler says, choking on his tears. „I’m sorry. Please, forgive me. I’m sorry.”

„I’m sorry too.” Josh replies. „I’m sorry I haven’t stopped this earlier.”

„It’s not your fault.”

„And it’s not yours either, okay?” Josh kisses the side of his head. „Crap happens. It happened to us. Maybe we’re better friends than lovers in the end.” He says. „And I’m sorry for the silent treatmeant I gave you in the last weeks but I really needed to think everything through.”

„And you’re not moving out?”

„No, I’m not moving out.”

„Promise?”

„I swear, I’m not moving out.”

„Michael threatened me with the police.”

„What?”

„Because of the abuse.”

„Are you joking?”

„No.”

„We really fucked up.”

„We really did.”

They cling to each other for a long time, standing near the window. When Tyler calms down enough to get his steady breathing back, he starts to hum softly an unrecognizable melody. Josh rocks them to the rhythm and before they know it, they sway slowly around the room to Tyler’s humming.

„Dude, are we dancing?” Josh asks, amused. 

„It seems so.” Tyler smiles, still keeping his head on Josh’s shoulder. „I’m sorry, Josh. I’m really sorry.”

„It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

„We’ll be okay.” The singer repeats. After a few more minutes of hugging and swaying, Tyler lifts up his head and frowns. „Shrimp salad.” He says suddenly.

„What?”

„We should make shrimp salad.” He says. „It will help.”

„How on earth shrimp salad is supposed to help with anything?” Josh wrinkles his forehead. 

„I don’t know. But it feels like something we should be doing right now.”

„Right now?”

„Yes. Let’s go.” Tyler steps back and goes to the door.

„Tyler.”

„What?”

„Our fridge is empty.”

„Oh.” Tyler stops. „Okay. Let’s get some groceries then.”

„Right now?”

„Yes.” 

„Tyler.” Josh says again.

„What?” The singers turns.

„I didn’t get you pregnant, did I?”

„W-what?”

„You know... Mood swings? Crawing shrimps?”

Tyler stops dead and pales and Josh can’t help but burst into a fit of giggles.

„Your face! Oh God! Your face!”

„Oh. Oh!” Tyler snaps out of his little shock. „I can’t get pregnant.”

„No shit, Sherlock.”

„Because I’m a guy.”

„Are you sure?” 

„I have a penis.”

„Ah. Right.” Josh nods. „Confirmed. Seen it with my own eyes.”

„I’m fighting the urge to punch you in the face right now.” Tyler squints his eyes.

„I’d rather not get punched in the face anymore, thank you very much.” The drummer says. „Let’s unpack a little bit first, okay? Then we can go get your shrimps.”

 

They unpack their bags, do four loads of laundry, go grocery shopping, make lunch, make shrimp salad, take an afternoon nap, make dinner and watch _the Suicide Squad_ for the first time ever. And it feels good. It feels comfortable until it gets late and they can’t keep their eyes open for any longer.

„Alright.” Josh yawns and gets up from the couch. „I’m off to bed. I need my beauty sleep.”

„Mmm.” Tyler hums but doesn’t take his eyes off the screen when the closing credits mix with his own voice. „Goodnight.”

„You’re not coming?”

Tyler looks at him with a troubled expression on his face and Josh realizes what the problem is.

„I’ll sleep on the couch.” Tyler says quickly.

„No, Tyler. This is the most uncomfortable thing in the whole universe.”

„I’ll manage. I’ll clean up the guest room tomorrow and put all my things there.”

„Either you’re coming to the bedroom with me and sleep in a proper bed or I’m staying here with you and we squeeze on this thing.” Josh warns.

„Josh, we...”

„We’re best friends. Best friends have sleepovers and they share beds.” 

Tyler hesitates but nods. He turns the tv off, flicks off the light in the living room and follows Josh to the bedroom. The drummer gets under the covers and make himself comfortable. Tyler slides in right after him and lies down as far from Josh as he possibly can.

„Are kidding me right now? Get your ass over here and cuddle me, dude.” Josh mumbles. Tyler shifts closer but still keeps a few inches of a safe space between them. „For God’s sake.” The drummer sighs, crawls over Tyler and lies behind the singer’s back. He hooks his arm over Tyler’s waist and pushes his nose into the nape of Tyler’s neck. „When I say cuddles, I mean real cuddles. Not imaginery cuddles.” He says.

Tyler lies there with his eyes open for a long time. Suddenly, he feels very awake. Josh’s breathing is steady and he doesn’t move so Tyler takes it as a proof that Josh is asleep. He rolls on his other side and pushes his face into Josh’s chest.

„I still love you.” He mumbles quietly against the fabric of the red t-shirt. 

Josh opens his eyes.

 

It’s easy to fall back into the same patterns and the same routine during their time off. They catch up on sleep and try to come up with the new music. Tyler writes new lyrics, they attend two charity events, do some phone interviews and fly to New York for some award show. Josh joins the gym again, they visit their parents, Tyler sells his old car and buys a new one and Josh gets back in touch with some friends.

And the last thing makes Tyler furious because Josh goes out almost every night and has fun with _other_ people. And if Tyler said that he wasn’t jealous, he would lie. Because he _is_ jealous. He’s jealous and angry because Josh enjoys the tour break to the fullest when Tyler only mops around the apartment and doesn’t go out even if he gets invited to parties. And when he notices a hickey on Josh’s neck one morning, he has to lock himself in the bathroom and stand in the shower under a cold water for twenty minutes until he’s calm enough to be sure that he won’t punch Josh in the face. 

This whole _back-to-being-best-friends_ thing doesn’t work for him. He wants Josh back. He wants to kiss him, he wants to have sex with him, he wants Josh to be _his_ again. But Josh doesn’t seem to notice Tyler’s moods and the jealousy that flashes over his face. 

And he doesn’t seem to notice the actual hurt in Tyler’s eyes when one day he says: _I have a date tonight_ , he doesn’t seem to notice Tyler’s red, puffy eyes when the singer leaves his bedroom after an hour long crying session and he doesn’t seem to hear Tyler sobbing into a pillow after he comes back home with the smell of some stranger’s cologne all over his clothes.

 

Josh sits on the couch when Tyler enters the living room and sniffs dramatically.

„Are you okay?” The drummer asks.

„I’m cold.”

„Come here, then.” 

Tyler sits down next to him pressing his side against Josh’s warm body. Josh embraces him with one arm, supporting his laptop on his knee with the other hand.

„Dude, you’re shivering.” Josh frowns and presses the back of his hand to Tyler’s forehead. He puts the laptop on the table and shifts on the couch until he can properly look at Tyler. He looks flushed and his eyes are glassy. „Wait here.” Josh stands up and makes his way out of the living room. He comes back with a cup of tea and a blanket. He wraps its tightly around Tyler and sits back down on the couch. „Does anything hurt?”

„No. Yes. My head. A little bit.”

„Throat?”

„Uhm. No.”

„If you feel like it’s getting worse, tell me.”

„Of course.” 

„Wanna watch _Game Of Thrones_ with me?” Josh picks up his laptop.

„Are you going out tonight?” Tyler asks at the same time.

„Yeah, I am.” The drummer says and unpauses the episode.

Tyler clenches his teeth but doesn’t say anything. He rests his head on Josh’s shoulder. 

 

It’s seven in the evening when Josh is ready to go. He finds his phone, wallet and car keys, throws his jacket over his shoulder and shouts to Tyler that he’s leaving. He doesn’t get the answer so he sighs, turns around and makes his way to Tyler’s bedroom. He pushes the door open and steps inside. He immediately drops everything he’s holding onto a black armchair and crunches down next to the bed where the singer is curled into a ball and he clutches his stomach.

„Tyler.” He puts his hand on Tyler’s head and gently ruffles his hair. „Tyler, what’s happening?”

„Hurts.” Tyler whimpers and looks up at Josh who’s wearing his tight black skinny jeans, gray fitting v-neck t-shirt and smells better than ever. He squeezes his eyes again and groans. „It hurts so much.”

„Shit...” Josh whispers. „Maybe I should call an ambulance?”

„NO!” Tyler almost shouts but then composes himself and grimaces in pain again. „No. I’m fine. I mean, I’ll be fine. I mean, it hurts but it’s not a _hospital_ thing, you know.”

Josh looks at him suspiciously.

„What if it’s your appendix?” 

„It’s not.” Tyler shakes his head. „It’s probably a stomach bug.”

„Do you feel like throwing up?” Josh asks.

„No. Yes. A bit.”

„You were supposed to tell me if it gets worse.”

„Yeah, well. I didn’t want to ruin your _date_.”

„Oh, heck.” Josh says, looking at his watch. Tyler eyes him discreetly when he approaches the armchair and takes his phone. He diales a number and puts the phone against his ear. „Hey. Look, I won’t be able to make it. Yeah, I wouldn’t cancel on you if it wasn’t an emergency… My _flatmate_ is really sick and there’s no one else to keep an eye on him overnight. Can we move this to another day? Yes? Great. I will text you, yeah? Yeah. I will. Thanks. Bye.” He ends the call and turns in Tyler’s direction again.

„You didn’t have to do that.”

„It’s fine.” He smiles. „I’m gonna change and make you some chamomile tea. I’ll join you in a minute, how does that sound?”

„Good.” Tyler nods. 

He gets cuddles and stomach rubs and Josh doesn’t leave his bed the whole night.

 

„Hey. Can I borrow your laptop?” Josh knocks on the door to Tyler’s room on Friday morning two days later. 

„Sure.” Tyler yawns and stretches on the bed. „What’s wrong with yours?” 

„Died on me last night.”

„Oh, man. My condolences.” 

„Thanks. Means a lot.” Josh says, opening the drawer and taking out the laptop.

„Take the charger.” Tyler motions with his hand. „I haven’t used this thing for a while. The battery may need some CPR.”

Josh retreats to his bedroom and sits on the bed. He turns on the computer and types Tyler’s password. He sends a few emails, orders a new laptop from the online store and checks some music sites. When he’s done, he goes to clear the browsing history out of habit but stops dead when he sees the last pages Tyler visited. He clicks the button to display all of the browsing history and slowly scrolls down. 

_How to Get High Fever in a Day_  
_How To Fake Fever: 7 Steps_  
_How to Make Yourself Sick: Cold, Fever and Headache_  
_5 Ways to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick_  
_How to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick_  
_How to Trick Your Parent Into Thinking You Are Sick_  
_A Kid's Guide to Faking Sickness That Will Fool Any Parent_

„You utter prick.” Josh mumbles under his nose.

 

He pretends he doesn’t know. He puts Tyler’s laptop back in the drawer, they eat breakfast together and lock themselves in their studio room for a few hours to work on some new music. They order two large pizzas for late lunch because none of them feels like cooking and sit at the table in the kitchen.

„Maybe we should slow down the tempo in that last song? I feel like it’s too fast.” Tyler says, chewing on a slice of pizza.

„No, I like it. Maybe you should think of writing different lyrics? Like, maybe we wouldn’t have to change the music if you found other words that would... fit.”

„Okay?” Tyler considers. „Yeah. Okay. We can do that. But I want us to try to play it again, slower. Okay? Just to be sure. After lunch. We will try again.”

„I can’t. Sorry.” Josh focuses his eyes on pizza in front of him.

„What?” Tyler frowns.

„I’m going out.”

„But it’s not even four yet!”

„I have an early date.” Josh shrugs. Tyler drops the slice of the pizza back on the plate. „But I’ll be back right after. And you feel _fine_ today, right?”

„Yes, I do feel fine.” Tyler mumbles. 

 

From: Josh 10:23PM  
_Change of plans. I’ll be back in the morning._

Tyler growls loudly and throws a pillow across the room. He takes a few deep breaths to calm his jealousy and tries to get rid of the image of Josh in someone else’s bed out of his mind. He needs to reply, he _has_ to reply because if he doesn’t send anything back in the next ten minutes, Josh will call and he doesn’t want to talk to him right now.

„Awesome. Use protection.” 

To: Josh 10:26PM  
_Pick up some groceries on your way back_.

From: Josh 10:27PM  
_Will do. Send me a list_.

From: Josh 10:27PM  
_And don’t stay up late._

„Fuck you.” He says to the empty room.

 

Josh comes back home before ten in the morning with two bags of groceries in his hands. He looks happy and he smiles all the time. Tyler watches his every move when he wanders around the kitchen, putting things where they belong and rambling about some old lady he met on his way to Walmart.

„And then...” Josh continues his story, busy putting groceries in the fridge. „...then she was like: _Your face seems familiar, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before_. And I said: _Well, I’m in a band_. And she was like: _No, no. I’m not into music, I’ve seen you somewhere else_ , and suddenly she stopped in the middle of a freaking crosswalk and looked me in the eyes and said: _I know! You look like my fifth ex-husband_! and she kept staring at my face and didn’t want to move but then the cars started honking at us so I literally had to drag her to the sidewalk and I ran away right after that and I swear to God, I will never offer to help any old lady cross the road again, I’m scarred for life.” He puts the last item on the shelf and closes the fridge door. He turns around and yelps when he sees Tyler standing only a few feet away. „And now you’re creeping on me too? Jeez!” He exhales and frowns because Tyler looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face. „Tyler?” He waves his hand in front of the singer’s face. „You’re freaking me out.”

__Tyler takes a step forward and puts his hands on Josh’s cheeks. Josh stumbles back in shock until his back hits the fridge door and Tyler leans in. He kisses Josh gently on the lips, pressing his mouth against the drummer’s and keeping it there for a while. And after the eternity, Josh parts his lips and responds. They kiss and Josh’s hand flies to cup Tyler’s jaw. He kisses back with more courage now but the kisses are still sweet and tender and Tyler shivers under the touch._ _

__They take a breath, rest their foreheads together and Tyler puts his hands flat on Josh’s chest. No one says anything for a long while. Finally, Josh shakes his head and Tyler knows what it means. He takes a step back and retreats to his bedroom. Josh stands there, still leaning against the fridge. He doesn’t go after Tyler._ _

__

__Tyler doesn’t leave his room the whole day so Josh makes his way through the flat and knocks on his door. He doesn’t get the answer so he peeks inside. Tyler sits on his bed with the laptop on his crossed legs. Headphones are covering his ears and there’s a notebook and his ukulele next to him._ _

__Josh opens the door a little bit more and that’s when Tyler notices him. He looks up and takes off the headphones when Josh motions to his head._ _

__„Hey.”_ _

__„Hey.” Tyler replies._ _

__„I made dinner. Wanna join me?”_ _

__„What did you make?”_ _

__„Sushi.”_ _

„So you mean you _ordered_?" 

__„No, I made it.”_ _

__Tyler stares._ _

__„Are you actually serious?”_ _

__„Yeah. I was bored. And I wanted to treat my _best friend_.” The drummer shrugs._ _

__Tyler grins and nods._ _

__„I’ll be right there.”_ _

__They don’t talk about the kiss._ _

__

__For the whole next week, they work on their new songs. Tyler writes different lyrics to the music he didn’t like and he loves the results because Josh was right: the new words fit perfectly and he knows that slowing down the tempo, like he wanted before, would ruin everything._ _

__„Maybe we should release a cover or something.” Tyler says, yawning. He rests his forehead against the piano frame but turns his head in Josh’s direction. „Like, anything, really. To say sorry to the Clique. I know they’ve like… noticed things.”_ _

__„Mmm. They’re like the FBI agents. They see everything.” Josh laughs. „What would you want to cover?”_ _

__„I don’t know yet, I’ll think about it.”_ _

__„Okay then.” Josh gets up from behind his drum kit. „I’m off to bed. Don’t stay up late.”_ _

__„Why do you always do that?” Tyler asks._ _

__„What?”_ _

__„You always say: _don’t stay up late_.”_ _

__„I just care about you.” Josh smiles and leaves the studio. „Don’t stay up late, you bumface!” He yells from the hallway when he hears the sound of the piano again._ _

__

__„Have you even slept?” Josh asks, walking to the kitchen the next morning._ _

__„I know what I want to cover.” Tyler says, lazily chewing on his careal. He rubs his fingers against his bloodshot eyes._ _

__„Have you slept?” The drummer asks again._ _

__„No.”_ _

__„At all?”_ _

__„There was no time.” Tyler says. „I got inspired and before I knew it, it was seven in the morning.”_ _

__„Eat your careal and go to sleep.” Josh sighs, opening the fridge door._ _

__„No, I need to show you-”_ _

__„You will show me later.”_ _

__„No.”_ _

__„Tyler.”_ _

__„Josh.” Tyler says and they both stare at each other for a long moment. „Fuck this, I will show you now.” Tyler gets up._ _

__„Eat your breakfast first.”_ _

__„No.” Tyler says and takes Josh by the hand. He drags him to the studio._ _

__„Tyler, dude, I’m hungry. Can we-”_ _

__„No.” Tyler opens the door and makes him sit on a big purple bean bag. Then he sits down in front of the piano and puts his fingers on the keys. The sudden wave of nervousness floods him and he hesitates but then he looks back at Josh who stares at him questioningly. „Okay.” He exales. „Okay.” He plays the first chord but stops again. „I actually came up with two covers. This one is not for the Clique. It’s for _you_.”_ _

__Josh frowns because that’s definitely not what he expected. Tyler takes one more deep breath and then the familiar melody fills the room._ _

_____ _

_Oh, you make me live_  
_Whatever this world can give to me_  
_It's you, you're all I see_  
_Oh, you make me live now, honey_  
_Oh, you make me live_

_You're the best friend_  
_That I ever had_  
_I've been with you such a long time_  
_You're my sunshine_  
_And I want you to know_  
_That my feelings are true_  
_I really love you_  
_You're my best friend_

Josh shifts on the bean bag and rests his elbows on his knees. He looks at Tyler who sings one of the Queen’s song to him, putting his whole heart into playing. And for a moment Josh thinks that this sounds better than the original song. But then, the realization hits him and he knows there’s something more about this and he has known Tyler for too long to not read right through him right now.

Because the song is not only about praising a best friend - it’s a love statement. He knows the story behind the song, he knows the song was originally written for a lover, for Deacon’s wife. He knows that the _I really love you_ line is not a casual confession to a friend, that the words mean something completely different and Josh can hear it in a way Tyler sings them. He keeps watching the singer.

__

_I've been wandering round_  
_But I still come back to you_  
_In rain or shine_  
_You've stood by me, boy_  
_I'm happy at home_  
_You're my best friend_

_Oh, you make me live_  
_Whenever this world is cruel to me_  
_I got you to help me forgive_  
_Oh, you make me live now, honey_  
_Oh, you make me live_

_You're the first one_  
_When things turn out bad_  
_You know I'll never be lonely_  
_You're my only one_  
_And I love the things_  
_I really love the things that you do_  
_You're my best friend_

Tyler sings the rest of the song looking at Josh.

__

_I'm happy, happy at home_  
_You're my best friend_  
_You're my best friend_  
_Oh, you make me live_  
_You, you're my best friend._

When the room gets silent, no one moves. Finally, Tyler clears his throat and puts his hands in his lap.

„So… Yeah.” Tyler says and Josh can hear the whole sentence hidden behind these words. _Yeah, this is me telling you that I still haven’t gotten over it_. 

They look at each other again and Tyler knows that Josh _knows_. 

„Aww, Tyler.” Josh says casually, stands up and comes closer to the singer. He stops right behind him, wraps his arms around the singer’s chest and rests his chin on the top of Tyler’s head. „I loved it. Thank you.” 

Tyler tilts his head up and tries to catch Josh lips in a kiss but Josh is quicker, he moves his head to the side and kisses Tyler’s temple instead. 

„You’re the _best friend_ I could ever ask for.” Josh adds quickly and steps back. „But really, come on, you need to sleep. And I need to eat.”

Tyler gets up without a word and leaves the room. He gets to his bedroom and slams the door with more force than necessary. Josh exhales and runs his fingers through his messy hair. 

„This is gonna be harder than I thought.” He whispers to himself.

 

A few nights later, Tyler sneaks out of his bedroom and goes straight to Josh’s room. The light is off but as soon as Tyler walks in, Josh moves on the bed.

„Tyler?”

Tyler doesn’t answer. He gets on the bed, throws the covers off Josh’s body and straddles his waist. He leans down and even in a complete darkness he aims perfectly at Josh’s lips. He runs his hands over Josh’s biceps and chest. When his movements become too eager, Josh tries to push him off.

„No, no, no, no...” Tyler whimpers and leans down again, kissing Josh.

The drummer turns his head.

„Tyler. Tyler!”

When the singer doesn’t react and still tries to lock their mouths together, Josh flips him over, pins Tyler to the bed keeping his wrists above his head with one hand and reaching to the lamp switch with the other one. The light fills the room and Josh looks down at Tyler.

„Tyler.” He says firmly.

„Please, Josh. Please.”

„We can’t.”

„Please. I want to try again. Please, I can’t-” Tyler takes a shaky breath. „This situation is killing me, I can’t do this anymore.”

„I asked you if you wanted me to move out. You said no.”

„I don’t want you to move out!”

„Then what do you want?” Josh asks.

„I want us to be together again.” Tyler sobs. „As a couple. As boyfriends.”

„Tyler. You know how it ended last time.” Josh shakes his head and lets go of Tyler’s wrists. „We can’t. You just… You don’t step into the same river twice. And I’m kind of _taken_ right now.”

„You kissed me back. The other day in the kitchen, you kissed me back.”

„I know. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for giving you false signals. I really _regret_ it.”

Tyler opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out. He sits up on the bed and stares at the opposite wall for a few seconds, thinking. Then he nods to himself and flees. He runs through the door, all the way to his room.

„Damn.” Josh whispers to himself and gets off the bed. He follows Tyler. When he gets to his room, he finds him shoving clothes into a bag. „What the heck are you doing?”

Tyler drops the bag to the floor and shrugs.

„I don’t know.” He says, grabbing another t-shirt. „I don’t know who I am and what I want and what the fuck am I doing anymore.”

He wipes his face and pushes past Josh to get a few things from the drawer but Josh catches him and hooks his arm around his waist. Tyler tries to free himself but Josh is stronger. He embraces him tightly and puts one of his hands on Tyler’s head, gently stroking his hair.

„Shh.” He hushes him. „Shh.”

„I don’t want your pity.” Tyler says. „I don’t want you to feel obligated to make me feel better just because I’m a mess and so mentally unstable that I can’t figure out what I really want from you.”

„Tyler...”

„It was supposed to be easy. Going back to being just friends. It’s not easy at all.” The singer sniffs. „It hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker.”

„I know.” Josh nods. 

„I want to be with you. And I want to be your best friend. And I want to stay here but at the same time I want to get the hell away from here, from you, from everything.”

„I understand.”

„Do you?” Tyler snorts and something in his expression changes. He backs off to the other side of the room. „You got over it.”

„What?”

„You’re pretty content with us being _just friends_ again. You seem so chilled out about everything.” Tyler says. „And you _regret_ kissing me back. Are you suddenly that disgusted with me? Do you regret everything we had?” He hisses.

„Tyler, now you’re just making things up.”

„No. I can see the looks you give me.” Tyler gets angry. „I look at you like you’re my whole world and you look at me like I’m the worst piece of shit.”

„Tyler.” Josh says in a warning tone. „Do you even hear yourself right now?”

„Why did you kiss me back? Wanted to have fun? Wanted me to see how cruel you can be?” Tyler asks. „You started going out again.”

„Yeah. I actually have _other_ friends, you know?”

„You found yourself a new boyfriend!”

„Well, I’m not gonna grieve over our failed relationship forever, am I? Are you jealous? I moved on and you should do the same. I see you Tyler, I see how you act, I see how miserable you become. You lock yourself in your room and don’t go outside for days. When was the last time your skin felt the sun?” Josh raises his voice. „Yes, I have a new boyfriend. Yes, I spend a lot of time with my friends. Yes, I’m happy. Yes, I’m having fun.” 

„Do you talk to them about me? To your _friends_?” Tyler hisses. „Do you tell them how pathetic I am? Do you make fun of me behind my back?” Tyler steps closer again. „Answer me, goddamnit!”

Suddenly, two things happen at once. Tyler invides Josh’s personal space and swings his arm and Josh immediately lifts his hand and catches Tyler’s wrist before he gets punched in the face.

Time freezes. They stare at each other: Josh - all composed and calm, Tyler – a shaking mess with watering eyes.

„I see what you’re trying to do.” Josh says in the most calm way he can. „But it won’t work. Not anymore.” He slowly releases Tyler’s wrist. „If you hit me now, it won’t be a part of the kink. It will be physical abuse. Real physical abuse. Because we’re not sexually together anymore, it’s not a kink anymore, it doesn’t turn me on anymore and I didn’t give you any consent for that.” Josh turns to the door. „Now, I’m going to leave this room and go back to bed and for the sake of both of us, I will pretend like the last half an hour didn’t happen.” 

He goes back to his room and throws himself on the bed. He covers his face with a pillow and lets himself doze off. But before he can fall asleep completely, the mattress dips, the pillow is being thrown away and something wet hits his face. He opens his eyes and switches the lamp on again. 

He’s welcomed with the sight of Tyler hovering above him, staring straight at him. Tears run down his face and one of them hits Josh’s skin again. He instinctively lifts up his hands and wipes the wet trails on Tyler’s cheeks with his thumbs. 

„I’m sorry.” Tyler whispers. „Please, don’t hate me. Don’t hate me. I’m so sorry.” He tries to take a breath but something in his throat blocks the air. He lets out a sob. „I’m sorry. I’m just- I’m just so desperate to be with you again, I’m so desperate to make you love me again, I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to be nice and gentle, I tried to be angry and rough, I kissed you and I sang you a song and you still don’t want me back and I can’t get over it, I can’t, I can’t. Because I still love you, I’m still so in love with you and it physically pains me to even think that we live under one roof but we’re not together that way and you found someone else. I didn’t want you to move out because I’m a selfish bastard and I wanted to have you here no matter what.” He pauses but when Josh doesn’t say anything, he continues. „I know why you ended it, I understand. I was scared of what we became too but I went with it because I got to the point where I enjoyed the violence and the sex more than being involved with you romantically. I enjoyed it more than cuddles and sweet kisses and holding your hand.” He sniffs loudly and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. „I’m not an abuser, Josh, I’m not, oh God, I love you so much, Josh. I really do. Please. Forgive me for all the shit I’ve done. Please, give us a chance. One more chance.”

„I don’t want us to end up like the last time.” Josh says.

„We won’t.” Tyler furiously shakes his head. „We will set the rules. We will stop provoking each other, we’ll be gentle. We will _touch_ , not _punch_. We will be real boyfriends, not each other’s personal punching bags.”

„Tyler, we started off exactly like that. With gentle kisses and shy touches, yet everything went to hell as soon as we ended up in bed.” 

„We didn’t know. We lost control. I lost control.” Tyler says. „They say that we should learn from our mistakes, yeah? Let this be our lesson, let this be something we will remember for the rest of our lives, let this be a reminder for the future.”

Josh sighs but doesn’t say anything. He averts his eyes and Tyler knows that the conversation is over. He starts to cry again because the silence is worse that Josh throwing him out of his room. He slowly and hesitantly lowers himself to lie down on the bed next to Josh and curls into a ball like a small child scared by the nightmare.

Josh stretches his arm in Tyler’s direction and the singer takes it as a permission to shift closer and rest his head against Josh’s shoulder. Josh rests his cheek against the top of his head and strokes his hair until Tyler’s eyes close shut and he falls asleep lulled by his own sobs and trembling.

 

In Tyler’s dream, Josh smiles. In Tyler’s dream, Josh says that they will be alright. In Tyler’s dream, Josh kisses him and tells him that he loves him. And the dream seems so real that he can _feel_ Josh’s lips against his own and he can feel himself kissing back and he thinks that a human mind is an incredible but cruel place.

Then he wakes up. He opens his eyes and for a moment can’t quite understand where he is and what’s happening, and why Josh’s face in only a few inches above his, and why Josh smiles at him, and why Josh leans in and kisses him on the lips. 

He kisses back but then puts his hands on Josh’s chest and pushes him off gently. He blinks a few times and wrinkles his forehead. He looks around the room, squints his eyes when the light of the day hits him in the face, looks at the digital clock that says it’s fifteen minutes to nine o’clock and then focuses on Josh again.

„Good morning.” Josh says.

Tyler closes his eyes, brings his hand to his own face and slaps himself hard on the cheek. 

„Jesus, Tyler! What the heck are you doing?”

He opens his eyes again. 

„Needed to be sure that I’m awake.” He mumbles and stares at the drummer again.

„ _Like what you see?_ ” Josh asks eventually and Tyler’s heart skips a bit because _this_ sounds _familiar_.

„ _I like your face_.” He replies after a long pause.

„ _Yeah?_ ” Josh smirks.

„ _Yeah_.” Tyler nods. „ _And I like you_.”

„ _Really? I like you too._ ”

„ _Yeah?_ ”

„ _Yeah._ ”

Tyler smiles because they just recreated their getting-together conversation. Josh brushes their lips together again. Tyler puts his hand on the drummer’s cheek and gently strokes the skin.

„ _Hey, Josh?_ ”

Josh looks him in the eyes and grins like a madman.

„Stop grinning, the scene is not finished yet.”

„Okay, sorry.” He composes himself and tries to keep the straight face but his eyes can’t stop smiling. 

„ _Hey, Josh?_ ” Tyler starts again. „ _Do you maybe, like, you know… Wanna be my boyfriend?_ ”

„ _Yeah._ ”

„ _Yeah? Cool._ ”

And then Tyler is crying again. He laughs and cries, and he throws his arms around Josh’s neck and brings him down for a kiss and then he cries some more.

„I love you. I love you. Thank you. I love you.” He mumbles between kisses. „I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you. Please. Don’t give up on me. Please. I’m sorry. I’ll change. I’m sorry. I love you.”

„I love you too.” Josh kisses his forehead. „I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on us. I promise.”

„But- But what about your... boyfriend?”

„It was never serious and he was prepared that a day like this would finally come.” Josh strokes his cheek. „He knew it. He was the one who tried to convince me that we should talk it out and get back together.”

„What’s his name?”

„Adam.”

„Can you give me his number?” Tyler asks and Josh looks at him with a confusion written all over his face. „Wanna thank him.”

„Oh.” Josh chuckles and kisses him again. „Sure.”

„I was so jealous.” He whispers. „I didn’t even know I was able to be so freaking jealous.”

„Mmm. My personal favorite was when you faked being sick to stop me from going out on a date.” 

„W-what?” Tyler’s eyes widen and he blushes.

„You’re an open book, sweetheart.” Josh smiles. „And you forgot to clear your browsing history.”

 

He makes himself comfortable, lying on Tyler’s chest and listening to his heartbeat. Tyler strokes his bare back, tracing random patterns with his fingers. Then he looks down and runs his hand through Josh’s hair.

„Your hair is getting too long.” He says. „And your roots are showing.” 

„Need to re-dye it.” Josh mumbles against the fabric of Tyler’s t-shirt.

„Pink again?”

„Nah. Maybe I should go for something different this time.”

„Like what?”

„Dunno. Yellow?”

„Great.” Tyler laughs. „You rock every color anyway. What about going back to your natural hair?”

„Hayley sent me too many boxes of hair dye. Sorry. Need to use them. Don’t want them to go to waste.”

„Right.” 

„Tyler.” Josh says and props his chin on Tyler’s ribs.

„Hmm?”

„Want me to help you to get rid of your _problem_?”

„Problem?” Tyler says, confused but then Josh shifts and Tyler groans, and his head hits the pillow. „ _Oh_ , oh shit.” 

„Seriously, Tyler. Your erection has been poking me in the chest for the last five minutes.”

„Fuck, sorry. I’m still a bit overwhelmed by the fact that we just got back together. I didn’t even notice its need for attention.”

„That’s new.” 

„I’m as surprised as you are, really.” Tyler bites his lip when Josh hooks a finger under the waistband of his boxers. „J-Josh?”

„Yes, baby?”

„Can we make it... last?”

„It this you asking me for a long session of love-making?”

„I guess?”

„You sure you don’t want a quickie?” Josh raises his eyebrow.

„N-no.”

„Jeez, where’s your dominance?”

„Dead and gone.” Tyler says. „Take the lead?”

„Of course.” Josh nods and lifts Tyler t-shirt up, exposing his skin. „Love-making then.”

„Josh.” Tyler says again. „It may sound ridiculous but... I’m nervous.”

Josh smiles and brushes their lips together. They easily find a rhythm. Josh moves down and kisses Tyler’s cheeks, his jaw, his throat. He helps to remove Tyler’s t-shirt and goes back to planting kisses all over his body. His lips touch the collarbones and chest, the bottom of Tyler’s ribs and his stomach. The singer’s boxers stop him from moving lower so he skips that part and goes back up again, all the way from Tyler’s belly button to his jaw, not stopping with the kisses for a single second. He caresses the inside of Tyler’s thigh and licks his lips with a tip of his tongue. Tyler opens his mouth and lets him in. 

They kiss and Josh puts one of his legs between Tyler’s. He presses it gently against his clothed crotch causing Tyler to moan into the kiss, buckle his hips and hump Josh’s leg a few times. And he’s already a mess because they’ve never done it before. There was never time or patience for any kind of foreplay that would be this gentle but so intense and so intimate at the same time. 

Josh moves and replaces his leg with his hand. He cups Tyler through his boxers, massaging him slowly. The singer’s hand flies to Josh’s lower back and he slides his fingers underneath the material of his boyfriend’s underwear and briefly squeezes Josh’s buttocks because he’s finally ready to respond to the other man’s touch. Josh tugs Tyler’s boxers down and takes his length in his hand.

„Josh.” Tyler moans. „Josh.”

„Are we going all the way?”

„Oh God, don’t even think of finishing this without putting your dick inside my ass.”

„Okay.” He chuckles, pecks Tyler’s lips and reaches to open the bedside table’s drawer.

He takes out a small bottle of lube and squeezes a few drops on his fingers. Tyler shifts on the bed and opens his legs, giving Josh better access. The drummer starts slowly massaging his hole. Suddenly Tyler sniffs the air and lifts his head from the pillow.

„Vanilla scented lube? Really?”

„Yup. Vanilla lube for a plain, regular, boring vanilla sex.” Josh grins and pushes one finger in.

Tyler’s body spasm and he lets out a long moan. 

Josh thrust his finger a few times and curls it inside. He adds another finger not long after that and searches for the same spot that sends Tyler on the edge. He takes his time, pushing in and out, scissoring and teasing. Their tongues work together and Tyler fidgets more and more with every thrust of Josh’s fingers.

„Enough, please.” Tyler whimpers. „I’m too close. Get inside, get inside.”

Josh kicks off his underwear and reaches for the lube again. He spreads it on his erection and kneels between Tyler’s legs.

„Like this?”

„Mhm. Wanna see you.” The singer says and pulls his knees close to his chest.

They kiss more and Josh finally pushes in. Tyler lets out a shaky breath against the drummer’s mouth and crosses his ankles against Josh’s back. Josh starts to thrust and their bodies dance slowly to the rhythm. They enjoy every move, every heartbeat, every kiss.

„I love you.” Tyler says in a shaking voice. „I love you so much.”

„Hey, hey.” Josh wipes a single tear that makes its way from the corner of the singer’s eye. „I love you too. My beautiful, beautiful boy.” He smiles when Tyler’s blushes. „You are. You are beautiful. Not hot. _Beautiful_.”

Tyler puts his hand on Josh’s cheek. He holds his gaze and they move, not taking their eyes off each other. 

And Tyler understands what they’ve been missing on for months. He understands what the violence took away from them. He immediately regrets slapping Josh during their first time, he regrets that he let Josh go with it, he regrets that they _both_ went with it and he regrets that the anger took over their relationship in the blink of an eye because this, _this_ is what they could have been doing for a long time – making love. Making love and enjoying every single second of it instead of fucking like animals and making it as quick and rough as possible. He regrets everything they were. Everything he was.

But then, the second thing he understands is that what was between them is in the past. He understands that this is the new beginning, the new chance, the new _him_ , the new relationship. He realizes that he loves Josh, he loves Josh as a person, he loves Josh as his boyfriend, as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He loves _Josh_ , not _the idea_ of Josh. He loves him and he’s disgusted with the though that he was ever able to raise a hand at him.

He snaps out of his daydreaming when a wave of pleasure shots through his abdomen and Josh’s lips cover his again. His hand flies to his dick in a desperate need to touch himself. He’s close and he knows that Josh is close too because the drummer’s body shakes and the speed of his thrusts slightly increases. He can’t hold any longer, he shouts Josh’s name and comes all over his stomach and chest. And finally, Josh moans desperately and locks their mouth together in a breathtaking kiss, he pushes one more time and then stills. 

Tyler digs his heels in the drummer’s lower back to keep him in place and throws his arms around his neck. They lie like that, chest to chest, breathing heavily and embracing each other. Eventually Josh pulls out, rolls off Tyler and lands on his back next to the singer. Their hands find each other in the sheets and Josh brings them to his mouth, kissing Tyler’s knuckles. 

„If this is what plain, regular, boring vanilla sex looks like, we can be boring all the time.” Tyler says after a long moment of silence. 

„Agreed.” Josh nods, turns his head and looks at Tyler.

„Thank you.” Tyler whispers.

„For what?”

„For giving us one more chance. For forgiving me. For making _love_ to me.”

Josh smiles, kisses Tyler’s knuckles again and sits up.

„I need a shower. I have your cum on my chest.”

„And I have your cum in my ass.” Tyler snorts. „I guess we’re even.” 

Josh laughs, stands up and offers Tyler his hand.

„Come on then. We will shower together. Saving water and all that jazz.”


End file.
